The Emotional Side of Estate Planning Estate planning can be difficult. I’m not just talking about the technical aspects like drafting wills or establishing trusts—though those can be complex too. A good estate planning attorney can help with that. What I’m talking about are the practical, psychological, and relational dynamics. In my experience, those are often the most challenging and overlooked parts of the process.
The Challenge of Unequal Inheritance I recently met with a married couple who knew exactly how they wanted to divide their assets. It wasn’t an equal split, but it wasn’t about favoritism either. One of their beneficiaries simply had a greater financial need, due to differences in life circumstances.
Even with such clarity, they hadn’t created any official documents—no will, no trust, not even updated beneficiary designations. When I asked why, they told me they were afraid. Afraid that the child receiving less would be offended or feel less loved. And honestly, I hear that concern more often than you might think.
Why Communication is Key What I often tell clients is this: avoiding the conversation might feel easier in the short term, but it can lead to confusion, resentment, and even legal challenges in the long term. The best thing you can do is clearly communicate your intentions, so nothing important is left unsaid—or misinterpreted.
Two Ways I Recommend Expressing Your Intentions
1. Write a Letter of Intent One simple but powerful approach is to include a personal letter with your estate documents that explains why your inheritance decisions were made the way they were. It’s not a legal document, but it adds important emotional context. In this couple’s case, the letter would allow them to express the deep love and care they have for both beneficiaries—even if the financial distributions aren’t identical.
2. Have a Heart-to-Heart Conversation The other option is to have a conversation. This might be with the beneficiary receiving less, or with both, either together or separately. I know this idea can feel intimidating. Family dynamics are often complicated, but in many cases, having the conversation in a calm, low-stress environment clears the air and eliminates surprises during an already emotional time.
And sometimes, the scenario you’re fearing is worse in your head than it is in reality. Your loved ones might surprise you with their understanding. Plus, a conversation gives them the chance to ask questions—and for you to answer them personally.
You Can Always Do Both There’s nothing wrong with doing both. In fact, I often recommend writing a letter first and using that as a foundation for a later conversation. That way, your message is preserved no matter what, and you give yourself the opportunity to say more when the time is right.
Putting the Plan Into Action For the couple I mentioned, simply figuring out how to communicate their plan lifted a visible weight off their shoulders. That emotional relief gave them the clarity and confidence to move forward and get the rest of their plan in place.
Let’s Talk About Your Plan If you're facing similar concerns, you're not alone—and you don't have to figure it out by yourself. We have advisors who are ready to help you navigate both the emotional and legal sides of estate planning. We’ll also make sure you have access to the right attorneys and other professionals.
Contact us today to start the conversation.